I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
