well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
