she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
