I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
