if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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