I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
