so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
