I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
