someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
