Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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