he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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