and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
