I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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