New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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