Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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