Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
