dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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