I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
