Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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