ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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