Whod you bang
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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