Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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