Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
