what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
