she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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