mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
