So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
