Small penises have feelings too.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
