I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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