i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My cat gives me a boner
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
