i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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