Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
