i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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