I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
