My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
