I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dignity is for republicans.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
