Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize