Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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