I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
