I met the friendliest cop last night
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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