they need to just BURY HIM!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
