nut hugger
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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