now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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