did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
