I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
