just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
