so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
