I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
