Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
