You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
sex in a hospital.. check
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
