i need an iv and a liver transplant
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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