I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
