the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
