I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
