i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
