Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
